Now I am as sartorially-challenged a bloke as you will meet, so when something in the fashion world makes me sit up and take notice, you know it’s bad. So when, whilst perusing the internet this morning I came across Cristiano Ronaldo’s new boots, it is safe to say they fell ominously into this category. With a pattern lying somewhere between a disco ball, the linoleum in your Gran’s kitchen and the skin of that spitting dinosaur that signalled the end of poor Dennis Nedry in Jurassic Park, the new Nike CR Mercurial Vapour SuperFly II (yes that is what it’s called) apparently gives Ronaldo “everything I need to elevate my game”, but perhaps not everything he needs to launch his own fashion range. Ronaldo’s new monstrosities aside, it got me thinking; who are the worst offenders when it comes to having to call the fashion police in the football world? I mean we’ve seen some pretty horrendous kits (I’m looking at you early 90s), however these fashion faux-pas can hardly be blamed on the players, so which footballers clearly don’t have the use of a mirror in their own home, or, in some cases, the use of the brain in their head?
DJIBRIL CISSE
Some people think a title gives you carte-blanche to do whatever you like and behave however you want. However, it does not entitle you to dress in the guise of a Dickensian character found sauntering around south central Los Angeles. Here we see Lord of the Manor of Frodsham, aka Djibril Cisse sporting some quite dapper attire. You’d have thought with his title and substantial time on the sidelines, Cisse would have acquired a better taste in clothes, but, alas, he hasn’t, and his poor wife has to be seen out in public with her husband looking like this.
LIVERPOOL FA CUP FINAL TEAM, 1996
Coming up next is a true team effort. Sporting this both on and off the pitch in and around the 1996 FA Cup Final, Liverpool managed to become arguably the worst dressed team in the illustrious competition’s history. Even more shocking is that these suits were designed by fashion powerhouse Armani, less shocking perhaps, is that David James was the brains behind the design.
STEPHEN IRELAND
Wow, nice looking lass, but wait, why is she holding hands with a j-cloth in a waistcoat? Oh, sorry, it’s Stephen Ireland. Not known for his fashion sense, or any other sense for that matter (remember his dead grandmother’s and his outrageous cars?), Ireland has let even himself down here and is fast building a sartorial reputation to match that of Djibril Cisse.
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EL HADJI DIOUF
Sometimes language is an inadequate tool to work with. This is most definitely the case with El Hadji Diouf. Love him or hate him on the pitch, there is little to love about his dress sense which tends to border on the gangster-esque. However, as is admirably demonstrated here by the Senegalese international, he also has a penchant for Backstreet Boys videos.
PAUL INCE
Technically not a fashion faux-pas, but rather a footballing one which involves attire. A young Paul Ince was clearly far too excited about the prospect of joining Manchester United, so excited, in fact, that he was pictured donning the red kit of United, a snap which was published in a national newspaper. Not too bad really? The problem was the then 22 year-old Ince was still contracted to West Ham. Oops.
OLE HERMANN BORGAN
Ole Hermann Borgan can sympathise with Ince however having fallen foul of his own football shirt faux pas. Having been pencilled in to officiate the 2006 Champions League final in Paris between Barcelona and Arsenal, the Norwegian’s local paper were so proud they decided to run an article on the linesman. They wanted him to wear both Arsenal and Barcelona shirts, but found they only had a Barca shirt at hand. Borgan was pictured in the Catalan club’s shirt, his impartiality was questioned, he was then stripped of his duties in the final, and the rest is history.
DAVID BECKHAM
Being possibly the most photographed footballer ever to walk the earth has its downsides, as is demonstrated here by David Beckham. The face that launched a thousand Mohican haircuts shows here that sometimes, even he gets it wrong. Needless to say, the sarong for men never really caught on.
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CRISTIANO RONALDO
I couldn’t let the infinitely fashion-conscious Cristiano Ronaldo get away with merely a brief mention at the start of this article now could I?! Here is the Portuguese superstar taking metrosexuality to its absolute limits, and combined with his inexplicable mahogany-hue tan and his fashionable ankle-injury boot, Ronaldo deserves more than just an honourable mention in this list.
DIMITAR BERBATOV
Now I have absolutely no idea what on earth is going on here. Dimitar Berbatov? Fashion? The combination shouldn’t work, and comprehensively doesn’t as this picture shows. Voted most stylish man in Bulgaria in 2005, we can only assume Bulgarians either don’t get out much, or 2005 was a VERY lean year for them. Having said that, perhaps his competition was Martin Petrov.
DAVID SULLIVAN
Many football fans would like their chairmen to be behind the scenes, pulling the financial strings, none more so it would seem than West Ham fans. Since the two David’s arrived at Upton Park they have had a rather heavy presence in the media. Fair enough you might say, it is, after all, their club. However, when you dress like this it is probably not advisable to spend much, if any, time in front of the cameras. Although I could have gone for his ‘head of the KGB Soviet Russia’ look he donned whilst watching the Hammers play Newcastle, I have plumped for his tailor-made West Ham United smoking jacket he decided to wear when taking over the club in 2009.
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